On the Subject of Integrity

Heimgest asked me to write about integrity. In the dictionary the first definition of integrity is this: "Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code." This is a good definition, but I would like to embellish the subject from personal experience.

A couple of years ago I learned about integrity first hand. When faced with oppression you either abandon your integrity out of fear or you stand by what you know to be right. If the opposition is scary enough, what's right comes directly from your heart. Anything else would be too weak to withstand the pressure. Fear is an effective weapon. If you face fear down, you can beat it. Then the arsenal comes up short.

My opposition was the chaplain and staff at USP Lee. Then it fanned out to include the federal government. Why? Because I walked into Lee one day for services, just like normal. That's all. I had no idea that 2 weeks prior some incident had occurred, and that the fbi had been called in. I was treated with hostility and suspicion, directed to go out and get information from my group about the incident, threatened with the fbi when I did no such thing, fired some weeks later on a fabrication, and finally hauled off to a federal grand jury some months after that. I never could connect the dots. And it scared me. I was blind-sided.

At some point in the nightmare it dawned on me that they wanted to get rid of me and the incident provided an excuse. Why? I don't know for sure. I was a good volunteer. Never broke rules. Perhaps I was too popular. Perhaps I legitimized a religion they would just as soon stamp out (indeed, the chaplain did say they wanted to shut down Odinist services, and not just at Lee). At one point I wrote to SIS (internal security in the federal system) and asked to be enlightened. They never honored my request.

In short, I was treated badly. Because I didn't understand anybody else's behavior, I got a chance to look at myself. Self-knowledge and choice were the only variables I could control. After I realized they just wanted to be rid of me, and had embroiled me in an incident I had nothing to do with to achieve that goal, my only option was to walk out the honorable door. Nothing else made sense to my own heart and mind.

My integrity was informed by love. I loved those guys at Lee, The Einherjar Kindred. Love for our ancient ways and for the larger tribe also played a part. The main motivator was personal, though, for that specific group of men. Love was the strength it took to stand up after being blind-sided. Love walked me through my first federal grand jury. Love was there when nothing else made sense. That experience was no cake walk, but I can say I learned a lot about what I'm made of, and about what's important in this life.

I have moved on. I won't be going back to the federal system. It's the state systems that need the most help anyway. I have left this experience behind me. Of course I would not turn down the opportunity to receive an apology from the BOP. I figure they owe me that, although I don't hold my breath. I want to thank the Court of Gothar and other OR members for support and Blots throughout the ordeal. Thanks to the members of the Einherjar Kindred for love right back at me.

"Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code" indeed. That's the official definition. What I found out about myself is that my morality is centered and grounded in love. No stronger code of ethics exists.